Planning a Life While Living In Limbo: Finding Joy Without a Guarantee 

Let's be honest — IVF turns your life into one giant waiting room.

You're waiting for test results. Waiting for a call from the clinic. Waiting to see if the bleeding means something. Waiting for hope to show up again.

And while you're waiting, everything else — career moves, holidays, house renos, even new friendships — feels like it's on pause. Just in case. Just in case you're pregnant. Just in case the cycle fails. Just in case you have to start over.

But here's the thing: a life lived entirely on hold is still a life being lived. It's just one where joy, spontaneity, and hope have to fight to breathe.

And friend, you deserve to exhale.

The Psychology of Perpetual Waiting

What you're experiencing isn't just frustration — it's what psychologists call anticipatory anxiety. Research shows that the uncertainty inherent in fertility treatment activates our brain's threat detection system, keeping us in a chronic state of hypervigilance. Studies consistently find that women undergoing IVF experience significantly elevated anxiety and depression levels, with research showing that more than 80% of women undergoing fertility treatment score at levels indicating risk for clinical depression (Karaca et al., 2020).

This isn't weakness. This is your nervous system doing exactly what it's designed to do when facing prolonged uncertainty: preparing for every possible outcome by staying perpetually alert.

The problem? This state of constant readiness makes it nearly impossible to engage fully with present-moment experiences. You're not just waiting for a baby — you're neurologically primed to wait, period.

The Myth of "Just One More Round"

It's so tempting to think: "I'll plan the holiday after this round." "I'll go to that concert if the transfer works." "I'll take the job offer once I know what's happening."

But IVF rarely gives you clarity on your schedule. It's not a neat 28-day timeline — it's hormone-induced chaos, unexpected delays, and grief that doesn't care about your Google Calendar.

So postponing joy? It doesn't actually make things easier. It just makes you smaller.

Research on temporal discounting — our tendency to devalue future rewards — shows that constantly deferring positive experiences doesn't just rob us of immediate pleasure. It actually rewires our brain to expect less satisfaction from future experiences too. We're essentially training ourselves to find less joy in the very things we're waiting to enjoy.

You're Allowed to Live. Even While You're Hoping.

Here's a radical idea: You can pursue happiness, fun, or calm without waiting for a baby. Not instead of wanting a baby. Not at the expense of treatment. Just as a way to stay human while doing something inhumane.

This concept aligns with what psychologists call psychological flexibility — the ability to stay present and engaged with your values even when experiencing difficult emotions or uncertainty. Studies consistently show that people with higher psychological flexibility report better mental health outcomes during stressful life transitions.

That means:

• Book the damn holiday. You can cancel travel insurance if you need to.

• Buy the new couch. You're allowed to make your space feel beautiful now.

• Say yes to the night out, even if you'll leave early or skip the wine.

The Neuroscience of Meaning-Making

Here's what's happening in your brain when you put life on hold: the default mode network — the brain system responsible for self-referential thinking and future planning — becomes hyperactive but narrowly focused. Instead of imagining diverse possible futures, you're cycling through the same fertility-related scenarios.

Research from Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert shows that our brains are prediction machines, constantly creating mental models of our future selves. When we restrict these predictions to a single outcome (having a baby), we inadvertently shrink our sense of possible identities and paths forward.

Planning = Hope. And Hope Is Terrifying.

Let's not pretend this is easy. Letting yourself imagine a future — even a short-term one — can feel reckless when IVF has already stolen so much.

But this is the paradox: the very act of planning is a declaration that you still believe in life. That you still deserve pleasure. That you're not just a walking uterus or an empty chair at a baby shower.

Psychologist Charles Snyder's research on hope theory identifies three key components: goals, pathways, and agency. When we stop planning, we're not just avoiding disappointment — we're dismantling the very cognitive architecture that generates hope. We need to imagine pathways to maintain our sense of agency, even when the ultimate destination remains uncertain.

Hope hurts sometimes. But shutting it down hurts more.

The Trauma of Suspended Identity

What many people don't understand about IVF is that it's not just a medical procedure — it's a prolonged identity crisis. You're neither "trying to conceive" nor "not trying to conceive." You're in a liminal space that our culture has no clear language for.

Research on ambiguous loss — grief for someone or something that's neither clearly present nor clearly absent — shows that this type of uncertainty is particularly psychologically taxing. Unlike clear losses, which allow for defined grieving processes, ambiguous losses keep us in a state of unresolved mourning.

This is why the simple act of planning a vacation can feel so loaded. You're not just booking a trip — you're asserting your right to exist as a full person, not just a person-in-waiting.

A Baby Isn't the Only Permission Slip for Joy

So many of my clients say, "I just don't feel like I've earned rest or happiness yet."

As if joy is a reward for surviving IVF. As if you need to pass some invisible test before you're allowed to feel like yourself again.

This thinking pattern — what cognitive therapists call emotional reasoning — assumes that our current emotional state reflects our inherent worth. But research on hedonic adaptation shows that humans are remarkably capable of experiencing positive emotions even during difficult circumstances, and that these moments of joy don't diminish our capacity for appropriate sadness or grief.

But here's the truth:

• You don't have to justify joy.

• You don't have to earn lightness.

• You don't have to wait for "the outcome" to start treating your body, mind, and heart like they matter now.

Studies on post-traumatic growth consistently show that people who maintain some engagement with meaningful activities and relationships during difficult periods demonstrate greater resilience and more positive long-term outcomes.

The Courage to Live in the Present

Living fully while hoping for something specific requires what psychologists call distress tolerance — the ability to survive crisis situations without making them worse through impulsive or avoidant behaviors. This isn't about toxic positivity or pretending everything is fine. It's about developing the capacity to hold multiple truths simultaneously:

• I want this baby desperately AND I deserve joy right now

• This process is devastating AND I can still make plans

• The future is uncertain AND I can still invest in my present life

Research shows that people who can hold these paradoxes demonstrate what's called cognitive complexity — a trait associated with better problem-solving, reduced anxiety, and greater life satisfaction.

If You Need Help Reclaiming Your Life While You Wait… I've Got You.

This is exactly what I help women do in Your Roadmap Through IVF — my online IVF support program for career-minded, neurodivergent, and/or trauma-aware humans trying to stay upright through the rollercoaster of fertility treatments.

Drawing from evidence-based approaches you'll learn how to:

• Regulate your stress using polyvagal theory and nervous system science, without bypassing your emotions

• Make grounded, powerful decisions using cognitive flexibility techniques (not panic ones)

• Build a life that feels liveable through values-based action — even when the outcome is unknown

Because life doesn't start after IVF. It starts now.

References

Berghuis, J. P., & Stanton, A. L. (2002). Adjustment to a dyadic stressor: A longitudinal study of coping and depressive symptoms in infertile couples over an insemination attempt. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 70(2), 433-438. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.70.2.433

Boss, P. (2007). Ambiguous loss theory: Challenges for scholars and practitioners. Family Relations, 56(2), 105-111. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2007.00444.x

Domar, A. D., Zuttermeister, P. C., & Friedman, R. (1993). The psychological impact of infertility: A comparison with patients with other medical conditions. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 14(1), 45-52. https://doi.org/10.3109/01674829309084421

Frederick, S., Loewenstein, G., & O'Donoghue, T. (2002). Time discounting and time preference: A critical review. Journal of Economic Literature, 40(2), 351-401. https://doi.org/10.1257/jel.40.2.351

Gilbert, D. T. (2006). Stumbling on happiness. Knopf.

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006

Karaca, A., Yılmaz, S. D., Karakaş, S., Gözüyeşil, E., & Şeker, S. (2020). The effect of psychological distress on IVF outcomes: Reality or speculations? PLOS ONE, 15(11), e0242024. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0242024

Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Raichle, M. E. (2015). The brain's default mode network. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 38, 433-447. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-neuro-071013-014030

Snyder, C. R. (2002). Hope theory: Rainbows in the mind. Psychological Inquiry, 13(4), 249-275. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1304_01

Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1-18. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli1501_01

Verhaak, C. M., Smeenk, J. M., Evers, A. W., Kremer, J. A., Kraaimaat, F. W., & Braat, D. D. (2007). Women's emotional adjustment to IVF: A systematic review of 25 years of research. Human Reproduction Update, 13(1), 27-36. https://doi.org/10.1093/humupd/dml040

Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2008). Explaining away: A model of affective adaptation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 370-386. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-6924.2008.00085.x

The intersection of fertility treatment and mental health is complex and deeply personal. This post reflects current psychological research but is not a substitute for individualized mental health care. If you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm or feeling overwhelmed, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.